My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I think people are normalizing furries
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
