I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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