We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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