a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
