Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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