No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
