I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
