You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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