My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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