The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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