Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
