i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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