Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
