Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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