All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My vagina is very pro this idea
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
