My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
