I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
