Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
