What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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