I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
