idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
