Will you blow on my dice?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
