It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
