I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
