just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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