The best revenge is premature balding
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
