Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
