Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
