I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
