I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
