I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
