I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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