You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
