Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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