i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
