i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
