i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
