Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
