Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
