My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
