i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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