I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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