you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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