I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
