I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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