When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
