In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
