I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
