shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
this boner is exhausting
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
