You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
